Falling in Love and Other Awarenesses
First, I’d like to say hi to John Daltrey down in Tuscon and let you know I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.
I’ve shared my diet story with you, the brain balancing experience with you, my mom’s passing and now I have a new adventure I want to share with you.
I’m in love and just as shocked as everyone else.
The Universe had been giving me signs that a relationship was on the way, either through dreams or readings but a part of me didn’t believe it and there was another part that didn’t know if I wanted one. I was happy. I had my home, my cat, my work. I felt content most of the time. Loneliness was in the background, but it didn’t last long.
I’m turning sixty-five in September and had pretty much convinced myself I was too old to fall in love. Every time I’d have another dream that someone was on the way, I’d spend the day going back and forth about whether or not this was a good idea. Two days before meeting this man, I said to the Universe, “If you think I’m ready, then let’s go for it.”
I’m not writing this blog to gush about how cool, handsome and sweet he is. I’ll save you from all of that (which he would probably appreciate also).
I’m writing this blog for you about you. Did I lose you?
When he first came into my life, I spent a week going through all the old tapes in my mind of former relationships. I was trying to convince myself that love could be messy and hurtful and if I was smart, I’d get out before I even got in.
I compared him to former boyfriends, not seeing him but seeing the problems I’d already been through: jealousy, possessiveness, control, infidelity and then of course all the issues with my career.
I heard a speaker say several years ago that love relationships are really about us learning about ourselves and I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted love relationships to be all about love and romance, like in the movies.
I didn’t want to think of it as another form of therapy but I have come to see that the speaker was right. Being in a relationship is a great way to learn about ourselves. Our reactions, our unresolved history, the pain we bring with us into future relationships. It’s all right there.
When I was walking around comparing him to former relationships, dredging up all the pain I was obviously still holding onto, it felt like an 800 lb monkey sitting on my back. After doing that for about three days, I said to God, to the Universe, “okay, I’m done with this. Please take all of it away. God Bless all of them and the things each relationship taught me, but I am done carrying it around, THANK YOU AND AMEN…” and within seconds, the 800 lb monkey WAS GONE.
The very next day I no longer saw the relationships/men from my past when I looked at him. I started seeing only him and I could feel the door to my heart opening up again, and I felt almost fearless about being in love.
It was and continues to be an amazing feeling.
Something else I’ve observed and here’s the part where you come in is the different reactions I’m getting from friends. A couple friends say they’re jealous, but in a loving way. They’ve settled into their long term relationship and that fun spark has changed its appearance. Many are telling me to be careful and go slow.
Someone asked me yesterday if I’ve done a background check on him. It’s been very interesting to hear the caution that’s coming out of people’s mouths regarding the topic of love and relationships. It’s given me good insight into my friends as I listen to their concerns. Most are cautious and then every now and then, someone congratulates me or tells me they’re proud of me for opening up my heart again.
So back to you. What is your first reaction to love? Is it bitterness or joy? Are you carrying around an 800 lb monkey on your back with past relationships or is your heart open to receive love?
If love came into your life today, would you trust it or talk yourself out of it?
Those of you that have been in a relationship for a long time. Are you still happy? Do you still feel that spark? That oneness you once felt with your partner? Do you find yourself grateful each day that your loved one is still in your life?
Many people ask me in readings when the love of their life is coming and with all that I’m learning about this, I’m wondering if people are as ready as they think they are. When I first got sober back in ’73, I wanted to find a relationship but they warn you not to get involved with someone when you’re first dealing with sobriety. I really wanted to find my Mr. Right because I was sure that then my life would be complete.
My AA sponsor put the kabosh on that when he asked me what I had to offer in a relationship. I had never thought in those terms before. He told me he didn’t want to hear another word about love or a relationship until I had something to offer someone.
If you’re one of the people looking for love right now, are you everything that you can be for another person? Do you bring enough to the table, so to speak or are you an empty shell hoping they will fill you up?
This whole love experience is amazing at this age. I feel extremely grateful to have found it again and plan on being the best I can be for this person. I feel like I’ve come full circle. It’s a new adventure in my life and I’ll keep you posted on how it progresses.